


Spider-Man and Deadpool Meet Red Sonja

by Baz



Category: Deadpool (2016), Deadpool (Comics), Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man (Comicverse), Spider-Man (Movies - Raimi), Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man the Animated Series (TV)
Genre: Action/Adventure, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-21
Packaged: 2018-07-24 19:06:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7519732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baz/pseuds/Baz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Whilst Red Sonja tries to stop the evil time traveling sorcerer Wyak, they both end up in New York, 2016. </p><p>With nowhere to stay, Sonja meets Peter Parker and stays at his apartment.</p><p>With the help of both Spider-Man and Deadpool, Sonja must bring an end to both Wyak's sorcery, before he can change history.</p><p>Meanwhile, Wyak meets up with Mysterio, and the two of them plan something very sinister for Spider-Man.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

SPIDER-MAN AND DEADPOOL MEET RED SONJA

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Sonja in this story is bit more charismatic and friendlier. But she is still very deadly. She also wears a skirt.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: This is not a story about some insect guy who shoots white sticky stuff from his hands or some hot chick, this is really a story about a young Canadian sexual artiste whose appetite fills the many with his love. Grab yourself a six pack and enjoy the story.

 

 

 

 

One night, whilst web-slinging through the city, Spider-Man heard a rumble from the heavens accompanied by a blue flash.

 

 _Odd, the weather said it was not going to rain_ , thought Spidey.

 

Then his Spidey sense tingled. He had to go over and investigate where the blue flash struck.

 

He slinged over to Central Park.

 

When he got there, he landed on top of a tall tree and down below, he saw two people fighting. A woman with red hair and dressed in a silver bra and skirt. She was swordfighting with a man dressed in a cowl. As the two fought, Spider-man noticed that the man was wearing a chain around his neck with a small brown box attached to it.

 

The woman grabbed the box and pulled out something from the bottom of it. A small green gem.

 

“You won’t be traveling through time without this!” she shouted.

 

Time-travellers? thought Spider-man.

 

Just then, the man and the woman saw three police cars heading toward them. The man pulled out a smoke pellet and threw it to the ground causing smoke to appear everywhere.

 

“Another time, Sonja!” cried the man’s voice.

 

As the smoke cleared, he had disappeared.

 

The cars reached over to the woman known as Sonja and the cops got out with their pistols. They pointed them at Sonja.

 

“Don’t move!” cried a cop.

 

“Cosplayers, they always take their roles seriously,” said another.

 

Just then, Spider-man swung over them and shot out some web at Sonja. It stuck onto her and he pulled her off the ground and over to him.

 

“I’ll take this woman back to the station, guys,” said Spidey. “You guys take five.”

 

As he swung back into the city, the cops got out their cigarettes and lit them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“That’s nice of him, doing the hard part for us,” one of them said.

 

As they reached the top of Peter’s apartment, Spidey let go off Sonja. She stood there and looked at him.

 

“Are you a man or beast?” she asked.

 

“Bit of both,” said Spidey as he took off his mask.

 

Sonja looked around and looked at all the buildings.

 

“What year is this?” she asked Peter.

 

“2016,” answered Peter.

 

Sonja couldn’t believe it.

 

“The future, I actually made it and the world didn’t get destroyed at 2000.”

 

“Where are you from?” asked Peter.

 

 

 

 

 

Sonja told her story to Peter. That she came from Barbaric Times and that man who she was fighting with was a Sorcerer called Wyak. He wanted to use a power gem to travel through time and the authorities found out what he was doing. They had sent Sonja to find him and stop him, but he spotted her and tried to escape through a time portal. But Sonja followed him and they ended up here.

 

Sonja held up the green gem.

 

“This gem is the key to time travel”, she said. “Without this, Wyak doesn’t stand a chance.”

 

She then look around the city.

 

“Do you know of an inn that I could stay in?” she asked Peter.

 

“Well, you can stay in my apartment,” he answered.

 

So Peter brought Sonja into his apartment. She looked at all of the modern technology with astonishment.

 

“I have a lot to learn,” she said.

 

“I’ll start with the basics,” said Peter.

 

He showed her the obvious microwave, oven, fridge and lights. Then he showed her the TV.

 

“It’s like a cauldron with plays,” she said.

 

Then Peter showed her the internet.

 

“This is what we call ‘Google’, type in anything you want and it’ll give websites of what you’re searching for.”

 

Peter typed in Sonja The Red.

 

To Sonja’s surprise, she found a Wikipedia page about herself.

 

It said “A very strong and powerful warrior who seemed to have disappeared off the trace of the Earth. To this day, no-one knew of became of her.”

 

Peter looked at Sonja.

 

“Until now,” said Peter.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: You’re really pulling this out of your ass, Mr Author.

 

Peter then looked at Sonja’s outfit and sword.

 

“Erm, how many people have you er…….. Killed?” he asked her nervously.

 

“Oh, I forgot,” answered Sonja. “I think…….. 5000 or something like that.”

 

Peter started to become scared.

 

“Erm, well here killing is illegal,” said Peter. “If don’t want to get caught by the authorities, just don’t kill.”

 

“Alright,” said a disappointed Sonja. “But what about Wyak?”

 

“Yes, him only,” answered Peter. “Everyone else, no.”

 

“If anyone annoys me, I’ll just punch them,” said Sonja.

 

“Welcome to New York,” said Peter. “Also, you’ll need to dress in modern clothes, to blend in.”

 

“Alright,” said Sonja.

 

So Peter let Sonja sleep on the sofa.

 

 

 

 

 

 

But he couldn’t sleep that night. He couldn’t get over the fact that a woman from the future was here in his apartment.

 

He decided to go into the kitchen and get a beer to calm him down. When he got there, he saw that Sonja was sitting up on the sofa.

 

“Can’t sleep either,” she asked.

 

“No,” said Peter.

 

“I may have killed many criminals, but I will not harm the innocent,” said Sonja. “You have my word.”

 

Peter opened the fridge and pulled out two bottles of Bud. He opened the tops and gave one to Sonja. She drank it and began to study it.

 

“It tastes a lot different from ale,” she said. “It tastes more cleaner.”

 

“That’s because the food and drink we have today has things in it called vitamins and minerals,” said Peter. “Those things prevent you from getting sick.”

 

“You’re very lucky here in the future,” said Sonja. “The food we have in my time make you feel sick. Even the rich have this problem. But here someone has found a way to make bodies tolerate food.”

 

She took another swig and looked at Peter.

 

“How do you shoot spider webs from your wrists?” she asked.

 

So Peter told her his backstory and how his uncle’s killing motivated him to fight crime. Sonja also explained her back story and how her family’s killing motivated her to fight evil.

 

They both felt so sorry for the other and looked at each other with pity.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: Mr author, no offense. But er……. I’m fuckin’ bored. When is it going to get to the best character of the story.

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Shut up, Deadfool. You’ll like this next bit.

 

Then Sonja had an idea.

 

“You know what I like to do when I can’t sleep?”

 

“What?” asked Peter.

 

Sonja looked at him.

 

After a few seconds, Peter got it.

 

“Okay, let’s go to my bed.”

 

They went into Peter’s room and from a drawer, he pulled out a box of condoms. He took out a packet, opened it and…..

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: Put it over his head and blew it up with his nose until it went bang!

 

No.

 

Peter explained Sonja what it was and she was impressed.

 

“So it is possible to do it during the plague,” she said.

 

So they both stripped, Peter put on the condom and they started to do it on the bed. Due to their tight abs, the sex was extraordinary. They went at it for another 40 minutes and then fell asleep.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: And I’ve come.

 

 

 

 

 

The next morning, there was a loud tapping on Peter’s window. This caused him and Sonja to wake up.

 

“A woodpecker?” asked Sonja.

 

“No, a different kind of pecker,” said Peter, due to him recognising the knock.

 

He got out of bed, put on a robe and then went over to the window. He opened the curtain to reveal it was none other than…….

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: Gasp! Could it be. Yes, kids. It was the one, the only, the very sexual…….

 

He opened it to reveal it was Frank Castle.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: What? Dude, what the fuck, man!

 

Just kidding.

 

It was Deadpool.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: You’re a cunt, Mr Author.

 

“Hello there, Peter Piper who picked a bunch of pickles and shoved them up his ass,” greeted Deadpool.

 

Peter opened the window.

 

“What do you want, Wade?”

 

“I’ve come to borrow some sugar,” said Deadpool innocently.

 

“No you haven’t,” said Peter.

 

“You’re right,” admitted Deadpool. “I’ve come to see the hot chick.”

 

He climbed into the room and walked over to Sonja in the bed.

 

“Oh hello, mademoiselle,” greeted Deadpool. “Peter aren’t you going to introduce us?”

 

“Sonja, this is Wade Wilson also known as Deadpool,” began Peter.

 

“Deadpool?” asked Sonja. “Are you a crimefighter too?”

 

“Yes, but I mostly kill the bad guys for shits and giggles,” answered Deadpool. “So, Sonja, where are you from?”

 

“I’m actually…….”

 

“Wade, go away,” said Peter.

 

“You’re from the past, aren’t ya?” Deadpool asked Sonja.

 

Peter and Sonja looked at him.

 

“C’mon guys, the blue flash from last night,” said Deadpool. “You’re not fooling anyone. Dude, I deal with time traveling mutant motherfuckers all the time. And I have my buddy, Cable.”

 

“Aren’t you due back at the mansion?” asked Peter.

 

“Dude, the only reason I joined those assholes is so that I could stalk that blue naked chick,” said Deadpool. “My dick gets hard just thinking about her. If I ever meet her, I want to see if she actually does have nipples and a vagina.”

 

Sonja looked at Deadpool confused.

 

“Judging by the fact that you’re both naked, how was it?” asked Deadpool.

 

“Incredible,” said Sonja. “Peter is a great lover and his body is amazing.”

 

Deadpool looked at her.

 

“Pervy……… like Anna Kendrick. I love a woman like that.”

 

“Then might I suggest that you go home and look at pictures of Gal Gadot or somebody,” said Peter.

 

“Dude, I jerked off to her so many times that I barely have any nut juice left,” said Deadpool. “She’s the only good thing about that shitty Batman V Superman movie, where it’s just 90 minutes of people just fucking TALKING and you’re like ‘Get to the fight already’.”

 

“Peter!” cried a voice of a woman entering the apartment.

 

“Wade, make yourself scarce,” said Peter.

 

“Okay, have fun explaining to your aunt about the naked time traveling chick,” said Deadpool as he headed toward the window. He then stopped and looked at Sonja.

 

“Sonja, I like to get to know you better,” he said. “We should have a few drinks, maybe have an orgy. Maybe invite Pete’s aunt too, she’s only 37 and still hot.”

 

“OUT!” cried Peter.

 

“Catch you later, babe,” said Deadpool as he ran off.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: Ran off where? Into thin air?

 

Peter’s 37 year old Aunt May arrived into the kitchen. Peter came out of his room and walked over to her.

 

“Hello, aunt May,” he said. “What brings you here?”

 

“I’m staying with you until I can find another house, we talked about this,” answered his aunt.

 

Peter’s mind had been focusing on Sonja and the whole time traveling situation that he forgot.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: And also about Sonja’s smoking hot body. She has abs like Aly Michalka. Ohhhh, even mentioning her name makes me hard. I’m gonna look at those pics of her on Hellcats. My wrist will be sore tonight.

 

“May, there is something I have to tell you,” began Peter.

 

But May’s mouth dropped opened.

 

Peter looked across the room as they saw a very naked Sonja just standing there.

 

“Hello, Miss May. My name is Sonja. Peter is letting me stay for a while as well, because a criminal took something of mine and I would need Peter’s help to get it back.”

 

May was in shock, but tried to remain calm.

 

“Oh that’s…….. That’s alright then…….. Nice to meet you, Sonja.”

 

“I’ll be back in a minute,” said Peter as he brought Sonja into his room.

 

“And another thing, we don’t walk around naked.”

 

“What?” asked Sonja in surprise. “First you can’t kill anyone and now you can’t walk around naked. Now I REALLY miss home!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wyak woke up in a motel room which he broke into the night before. He had killed the staff and this was his home for the time being. Confused about the world he was in now, he had to get the gem off Sonja. But how? This calls for help.

 

Fortunately, he had to wait no longer, as all of a sudden, the whole room started to fill with smoke. Wyak pulled out his dagger and prepared to fight who invaded his territory.

 

As the smoke faded, Wyak saw a tall figure dressed in a black sort of astronaut suit and which had a glass helmet that obscured his whole face.

 

Yep, it was Mysterio.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: I’m applauding. Great entrance, Mysterio.

 

“Hello, Wyak,” greeted the figure.

 

“Are you the authorities?” asked Wyak.

 

“That depends,” answered the illusionist. “I understand that you are from the past.”

 

“How would you know?” asked Wyak.

 

“Everyone saw a the big flash last night,” answered Mysterio. “I knew what flash it was. It was time travel. I got closer and saw that you were fighting with a woman who seemed to have taken a green gem from you. I take it you need that green gem to get back in time?”

 

“Yes,” said Wyak.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: Sigh, Mr Author, you really making this up as you go along. Aren’t you?

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Do you want to get laid in this story or not?

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: I’ll shut the fuck up.

 

“Let’s a have a bargin,” began Mysterio. “Sonja was taken by a man called Spider-man, also goes by the name of Peter Parker. I want my revenge on Parker, so I’ll help you get the gem off Sonja, if you help me capture Peter. And when we do get him, I have a little surprise for him in this chest.”

 

He pulled out a small chest which seemed to have something rattling inside.

 

“I accept the bargain,” said Wyak as he held out his hand to shake Mysterio.

 

But as Mysterio reached out his hand to shake Wyak’s, he seemed to have four arms. Wyak didn’t know which one to shake.

 

“What is this?” asked Wyak.

 

“The gas I spread into this room causes illusions,” began Mysterio. “I’ll use these illusions to mess with Sonja’s head.”

 

“And when you do,” replied Wyak. “I know the very perfect illusions to use.”

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: So Mysterio just farted into the room and everyone hallucinates. Does he mix baked beans with L.S.D?

 

 

 

 

 

Sonja knew that in order to blend into society, she would have dress like everyone else. Peter took her (in his bathrobe) to Ursula, a friend of his who lived in the same apartment. She gave Sonja her clothes for the time being and the three of them went clothes shopping.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: Ursula, why does that name sound so familiar? And I take it that she will not appear in the rest of the story.

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Not really.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: Wow, great writing, Mr Author. Still, at least this is better than Fifty Shades. God, the dialogue in that book is so bad, it puts George Lucas to shame. And that movie adaptation was fuckin’ AWFUL! The worst chemistry in any movie I’ve seen. Still, I had fun jerking off to that shot of Dakota Johnson’s ass. She can do things to MY johnson anytime.

 

So, Sonja was dressed in a shirt, jacket, jeans and shoes. Peter even taught her about the concept of their money and Sonja was getting the hang of 2016.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: I know another thing she can hang onto…..

 

She also agreed to not take her sword with her out in public. She put it inside Peter’s wardrobe along with her silver bra and skirt.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: What kind of underwear is she wearing?

 

 

 

 

Since Peter had to go work at the Bugle, Sonja had to stay in the apartment with May. Sonja was worried about having to talk to her, due to her being from the past and not fitting into 2016, but due to her knowledge of Barbaric times, May was intrigued.

 

“How do you know so much about Barbaric Times?” she asked.

 

“I’d tell you, but then I had to kill you,” said Sonja.

 

That was the code for when Sonja didn’t know what to say.

 

All day long at the Bugle, Peter could hardly concentrate on his work. He kept thinking about Sonja.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: So have I, with my pants down, tissues and lotion.

 

Hoping that his Spidey sense would trigger maybe a clue to where this Wyak character was, but no avail.

 

 

 

 

 

After a boring day and having to listening to J.J.J shout……

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: J.J.J Abrams.

 

Peter made his way back home and was surprised to see that his apartment window had smoke coming out of it. The place was on fire.

 

Using his webs, he slinged up to the window and climbed inside.

 

“May! May!” he coughed as he searched for survivors.

 

But the apartment wasn’t on fire at all. It was actually from joints that Wade, Sonja and May were smoking from.

 

“Hey, Petey, pull up a chair, smoke a jay,” coughed Wade.

 

“What the hell are you doing?” asked Peter.

 

“We’re baking a cake, what does it look like?” said Wade. “Although Sonja and May are getting baked, I can’t due to the fact that I’m……. You know. Sonja asked if I had Stygian, I didn’t have any, but I had Mary Wanna instead.”

 

“It’s good,” said Sonja. “But it’s not as good as Stygian.”

 

“Wade, you idiot, you’re gonna get us caught,” said Peter.

 

“I have this,” said Wade as he pulled out his prescription for Marijuana. “The only joy about being a cancer patient.”

 

May was just sitting there lost in a world of her own.

 

“I didn’t know May smoked,” said Peter.

 

“Well, I told about this prescription and she…… well…… wanted to experiment,” said Wade.

 

Just then, May leaned over to Sonja.

 

“Oh Sonja, you’re so beautiful and charming,” said slurred.

 

“Thank you,” said Sonja.

 

Just then, May grabbed Sonja’s head and started to kiss her on the mouth. The two of them were really going for it.

 

“Dude, I have such a boner right now,” said Wade.

 

Peter grabbed the joints off Wade, Sonja and May, threw the jays on the floor and stamps on them with his foot. The stoners were disappointed.

 

“You big bully!” cried Wade. “Like stealing candy from a toddler.”

 

Peter then separated May from Sonja. He took May to her room and put her on the bed. Then he went back into kitchen and looked at Wade.

 

“Get out!” shouted Peter.

 

“Pete, you need me to help fight the time traveling douche,” said Wade. “With my immortality……”

 

But Peter just shot webs all over Wade. After wrapping Wade into a cocoon, Peter picked him up and chucked him out of the window. After hearing Wade crash down below, Peter closed the window just as Wade shouted back at him “ASSHOLE!”

 

“You didn’t tell me your friend was immortal,” said Sonja.

 

“He’s not my friend, he’s a jerk,” said Peter. “He follows me around all the time and won’t leave me alone.”

 

“He just wants to help you,” said Sonja.

 

“No, he wants to get on my nerves and make fun of me,” said Peter.

 

“He doesn’t bother me,” said Sonja. “We actually have a lot in common. We kill criminals, we like sex, Stygian…… even though that wasn’t……… a nice drink, dancing with friends and just having fun. Wade said that you don’t know how to have fun.”

 

“Yes, I do,” said Peter.

 

“Peter, I’m very bored stuck in this place all day long,” said Sonja. “Take me to the nearest inn for a drink. Maybe we’ll find a way to get closer to Wyak.”

 

“Alright, no killing, though,” said Peter.

 

“I promise,” said Sonja.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So later on, Peter, Sonja and May went to the nearest pub. They were just about to go to the bar to order until……

 

“Hey, Peter Pants.”

 

“Hi, Wade.”

 

Wade looked at Peter and said:

 

“Dude, I’m going to pretend that you didn’t take away my joint, covered me in cum and threw me out of the window.”

 

A listener by was hearing everything Wade was saying.

 

“But I’ll get you back later. Anyway, kids. Let’s have some fun!”

 

So the boozing began as the four of them started to get hammered. Sonja was enjoying Guinness which was recommended by Wade.

 

“It’s full of Iron,” said Wade. “When I was diagnosed with cancer, I drank plenty of this and it helped. This and Marijuana are the only drugs that can be healthful. Next there will be medicinal L.S.D.”

 

More boozing followed, May was getting absolutely hammered. Peter was actually having fun for the first time in his life, but it was Sonja who was stealing the show. Due to her reputation for being life for the part back in her time, Sonja was having fun playing darts, pool…..

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: Hey, my last name.

 

….dancing and just being really charming. She was really beginning to like the future.

 

Stan Lee looked at Sonja with admiration as she chugged those beers.

 

"What a lady."

 

Since Wade couldn’t get drunk, he was actually on the lookout for any sign of Wyak.

 

He did notice some shifty creepy looking guys that kept staring at him and his friends.

 

 

 

 

 

At one point, one girl needed to go the toilet and made her way to the Ladies downstairs. One of the shifty looking guys followed her. Wade knew this wasn’t going to be good.

 

After using the Ladies, the girl walked out only to be confronted by the shifty looking guy. He just stood there and looked at her evilly.

 

“Can I help you?” asked the girl.

 

“There’s a toll,” said the guy. “You wanna get past me, get on your knees.”

 

He began to take his zipper down and the girl tried to run away. But the guy grabbed her and shoved her into the wall.

 

“I said there’s a toll, bitch. Get on you fuckin’ knees and suck me off like any woman should!”

 

“Help! Help!” cried the girl as she tried to escape but the man kept on grabbing onto her.

 

Just then lights turned off.

 

Then they came back on again. The girl stood there alone. She noticed that she had a note in her hand. It said “Don’t worry, I’ve taken care of that fucker. Your friend, D.P.”

 

The girl came running up the stairs crying. She told her friends what happened. Peter, Sonja and May saw what was happening and also noticed that Wade had gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

At Wade’s apartment, the rather perverted crime fighter had the rapist-to-be on his knees, tied up with rope coming out of the floor. He was in his vest and boxers. Deadpool also made the rapist wear a red wig which had similar hair to Sonja’s.

 

“So Nigel,” began Deadpool as he began to put on a strap-on. “Apart from almost molesting that poor girl, why were you and your buddies giving me and my sexy friends dirty looks.”

 

“Cos I wanna bang that red haired bitch,” said Nigel the rapist.

 

“No, there’s a real reason,” said Deadpool tightening the strap. “Somebody sent you, didn’t you.”

 

Nigel began to sweat with panic. He had no choice but the tell Deadpool.

 

“Okay, some barbaric looking dude sent me and my buddies to lure you guys to someplace where this dome headed dude wants a guy called Peter.”

 

“Hmm, so you were sent by a barbaric looking dude and a dome headed dude who wants Peter for some reason?” asked Deadpool.

 

“Yeah,” said Nigel.

 

“Good girl,” said Deadpool. “Thanks for telling me.”

 

“You gonna let me go?” asked Nigel desperatley.

 

“No, no, no,” said Deadpool. “That’s what that poor girl wanted, but you had to go ahead and be rough.”

 

“I was only having a bit of fun,” lied Nigel.

 

“Well, you and I will have lots of fun tonight,” said Deadpool as he walked over to the CD player and turned it on to Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On.”

 

“Oh shit,” said Nigel.

 

Deadpool walked behind Nigel and pulled his shorts down to reveal his bare ass.

 

“Consider this a reward,” said Deadpool. "Oh, by the way, I forgot to put lube on this thing. Oh well."

 

Nigel's eyes widened with fear.

 

From outside the apartment, screams of Nigel could be heard. But this apartment was far, far away, no-one was listening.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: Mr Author, when you said I was going to get laid, was this what you had in mind?

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Yes.

 

So after the hot sticky mess, Wade called Peter and Sonja and told them about what was happening. Some of Nigel’s friends would probably be back at the bar the next night, so they decided to return.

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the meantime, Deadpool was depressed. Very depressed.

 

As he got into bed, he fell asleep.

 

In his dream, he dreamt that he was talking to Death herself.

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This is the female Death from the video game, whereas in the comics, it was a guy.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: And this isn’t a Wachowski thing either, although I like it both ways.

 

“What’s the matter, Wade?” asked Death.

 

“Death honey, I’m in love,” answered Deadpool.

 

“With a sexy redhead from the past,” replied Death.

 

“Yep,” said Deadpool. “We have so much in common; we’re both sexy killing machines who love the colour red, we take no shit and we kill assholes.”

 

“And if you help her complete her mission, she will be out of your life forever, Wade,” said Death.

 

“Yeah,” said Deadpool. “But, I’ll do it because I love her. Plus I’ll fuck up history if I forced her to stay. What have we learned from Back To The Future? The second movie makes no sense. Why would Marty have to go forward in time to stop a problem, it’s supposed to be back. And also wouldn’t there a be a second Doc Brown in 2015 because……"

 

“Look, just do what you feel is right for Sonja,” said Death. “Besides, you’ll always have me.”

 

“Death,” began Deadpool. “I don’t know if you notice, but I’m alive and you’re dead. Plus I can’t die. Life really is a bitch.”

 

“Which is why Death will always love you,” said……… Death. “By the way, are you going to let Nigel free?”

 

“Fuck no,” said Deadpool.

 

As Deadpool slept, Nigel the rapist was still tied to the floor and his asshole was on fire.

 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

That following night, Peter, Sonja and Wade went back to the bar to see if the rest of the shifty looking guys were back. And they were.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: How many of them are there?

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Four.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: Good. More men for me to beat off.

 

As the trio entered the building, the shifty looking guys just gave them cold stares. Our three heroes acted causally and went over to the bar and ordered drinks.

 

As they waited, the shifty looking guys made their way over to them.

 

“Hey, you three!” barked one of the guys.

 

Peter, Sonja and Wade turned around to face them.

 

“Hello, ladies,” Wade greeted the men.

 

“Where’s our buddy?” barked another guy.

 

“Every buddy needs some buddy to love,” said Wade.

 

“Listen here you puff pastry faced fuck!” barked the third guy. “You better tell us where he is, or I’ll cut your balls off!”

 

He pulled out a knife.

 

“That’s okay, I’ll just grow them back again,” said Wade.

 

“And after we’re done castrating you and this faggot,” said the fourth guy looking at Peter. “We’re gonna take this red whore and fuck the shit out of her! How does that sound, baby?”

 

Sonja just looked at him and gave him the finger.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: I taught her that.

 

“Oh is that an offer?” asked the bastard as he and his friends burst into their shite laughing.

 

Sonja then grabbed a beer bottle, and using her other hand, grabbed onto the wanker’s mouth and immediately shoved the beer bottle inside it and down his throat.

 

The man coughed and choked as the bottle was stuck down his throat. Then Sonja went over to him, placed her hands on his neck, turned one of her hands into a fist and bashed his neck with the bottle still inside it, smashing the bottle into shards of glass piecing the guy’s throat. He coughed up blood as he fell to the floor.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: As if I didn’t love Sonja already.

 

The other three guys ran away in terror as Sonja, Wade and Peter followed them out of the bar.

  
  


 

 

 

The three men got into their car and drove off down the street. They were in fits of panic.

 

“That chick is crazy!” cried one of the guys.

 

The guy who was driving looked out of the window.

 

“Oh no!”

 

He saw Spider-man web-slinging toward them. He made it to the top of the car and looked down the windscreen.

 

“Guys, you really shouldn’t be driving after drinking. Unless one of you is the designated driver.”

 

The driver tried to shake off Spidey, but it was no use. He was just too stuck to the car.

 

Just then, Deadpool and Sonja came riding up behind the car.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: Oh baby!

 

On a motorbike.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: Ohh….shame.

 

Deadpool was driving and Sonja was holding onto him.

 

The key of the bike had a label that said “Bob” attached to it.

 

“I forgot my sword,” said Sonja.

 

“Use one of mine,” replied Deadpool. “The one down my pants.”

 

“What?” asked Sonja.

 

“Nothing,” answered Deadpool.

 

 

 

 

Spidey was still on car refusing to let go. His spidey sense tingled. It was coming from a warehouse. That’s where the guys were going.

 

One of them opened the window and stuck his head and hand out. He was holding onto a pistol and shot at Deadpool and Sonja. He hit Deadpool several times and couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t die.

 

Deadpool just drove after the car whilst having 5 bullet holes in his chest.

 

“Ow.”

 

The guy continued to shoot at him.

 

“Sonja, pass me a sword please,” said Deadpool.

 

Sonja pulled out one of his sword and gave it to him. Deadpool then chucked his sword at the man and it chopped his hand off. The man screamed in pain as blood sprayed out everywhere.

 

The blood sprayed all over the car coating it.

 

“Looks like I gave the car a new paint job,” said Deadpool as he drove the bike over to pick up his sword.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The car arrived at the warehouse. The other two guys got out and pointed their pistols everywhere. There was no sign of either Spidey, Deadpool or Sonja.

 

They made their way into the warehouse. The guy with the hand cut off sat near some boxes and screamed in pain.

 

“Get me a first aid!” he cried.

 

“Dude, shut the fuck up!” shouted one of the other guys.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: Don’t these guys have names?

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Yeah, but you’ll forget about them next week or so.

 

“Well, Domehead said he wanted Spidey here,” said the second guy.

 

“I’m gonna…… I’m gonna kill that fucking red gimp!” cried the guy with no hand.

 

“That’s gonna be hard to do with one hand,” said the first guy.

 

Nothing happened for the next 10 seconds.

 

“I hate this part,” said the first guy. “The wait is always the worst.”

 

“Guys, I need medical attention!” cried the guy with no hand.

 

The first guy pointed his pistol at him.

 

“If you don’t shut the fuck up, I’ll put you out of your misery!”

 

“Allow me.”

 

BANG! The man with no hand got shot in the head.

 

“You shall suffer no more.”

 

The other two guys looked all around the warehouse in panic. Where was the voice coming from?

 

Suddenly, a big glob of web hit one of the guys in the face.

 

“Argh! Dude, someone came on my face!”

 

Another glob hit the second guy in the face. Both of them now couldn’t see. They tried to pull of the webby glop, but unfortunately for them. Sonja appeared to be running toward them with Deadpool’s swords. She held them out like wings and made her way over the two guys.

 

SLICE! SLICE!

 

The guys just stood there and a few seconds later, their upper bodies fell to the floor. So did their lower bodies. The men were sliced in half and there was entrails and blood everywhere. Sonja then went over to the half men and then decapitated them.

 

Deadpool went over to her.

 

“Well done, Sonja. Good work. You’re like Uma Thurman on acid.”

 

But Spider-man was not taking this very well. He was at the corner of the warehouse, with his mask lifted up and vomiting.

 

“That was…… that was just……… BLEUGGGHHHH! Oh God!”

 

Sonja didn’t understand where he was reacting so badly.

 

“Okay, let’s find Mysterio and leave!” said Spider-Man as he put his mask back on.

 

He, Deadpool and Sonja made their way over to a door at the other side of the room. Unfortunately for Spidey, he accidentally stood on the entrails, due to the fact that he didn’t want to look at the gore when walking past the bodies.

 

“Ugh! Dude!” he groaned. “This is the most disgusting……..”

 

“Can it, Peter pissy Pants,” said Deadpool as he pushed Spidey away from the mess.

 

 

 

 

  
  


So the three made their way to the door. But as they opened it to go into the next room, Sonja and Spider-man gasped.

 

They found themselves in a strange Barbaric like village.

 

“It’s……. It’s………” began Sonja.

 

Yes, she recognized the place right away.

 

“My village.”

 

Her eyes began to fill up with tears as she saw people outside chopping wood, washing their clothes and children playing.

 

Everything was very peaceful.

 

However, about 10 seconds later, a man got an arrow shot into his head. The villagers looked ahead and screamed.

 

“Everyone run!”

 

The villagers tried to run away, but vicious looking soldiers on horseback came invading the village. They had torches at the ready and were blood thirsty.

 

Spider-man shot some webs at the horsemen, but as if they were ghosts, the web just went through them.

 

Sonja tried to fight off a man who was about to rape a woman, but her sword just went through the man without hurting him.

 

There was nothing Spider-man or Sonja could do except watch the people by slaughtered by the invaders.

 

“Father!” cried Sonja as she saw her father, the swordmaker being pulled out of his shop and getting stabbed by the horsemen, who laughed evilly.

 

“NOOOOOO!” cried Sonja.

 

Then she saw her mother and sister get slaughtered as well, until there was only one red haired girl left. It was Sonja at 17 years of age.

 

The older Sonja watched herself get raped by these bastards. The 17 year old Sonja screamed in terror as the men had their way with her.

 

Spider-man also couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

 

The tears flowed out of the older Sonja’s eyes as she revisited this tragic incident from a decade before.

 

The 17 year old Sonja had to fight against this rapist. She managed to grab a rock from the ground and bash it into the rapist’s head. He screamed as blood flowed out of his head.

 

Then the 17 year old Sonja went into her father’s shop and pulled out her sword that he made for her birthday. She ran outside where the horsemen were waiting for them. In an angry rage, she sliced and diced the bastards one by one. She was unstoppable.

 

But the older Sonja couldn’t bare it anymore, she just got on her knees and just wept. The memory was too painful.

 

Then the 17 year old Sonja and some remaining survivors buried their dead loved ones and wept for them.

 

Then they walked away from the burnt down village.

 

The older Sonja just couldn’t believe what she had just witnessed.

 

“What? What happened?” asked Deadpool who didn’t know what was going on. “Why are you crying?”

 

Just then the village disappeared and Sonja, Spider-man and Deadpool found themselves in an ordinary warehouse. Entering the room where both Wyak and Mysterio.

 

“I rather enjoyed that,” said Wyak. “Very nostalgic.”

 

“What happened?” asked Deadpool, desperate to know.

 

“Mysterio used an hallucinogenic gas to show Sonja and I of her village being slaughtered,” answered Spider-man.

 

Since Deadpool can’t get drunk or get high, the gas had no effect on him and he didn’t see the hallucination. He looked at Mysterio.

 

“Oh you motherfucking cock-knocking SON OF A BITCH!” he shouted.

 

“Oh Sonja, how foolish were you,” said Wyak with a shit eating grin. “He had the strength of a warrior and yet, you couldn’t save your family or your village. And to this day, you still regret not saving everyone in time.”

 

Sonja was really upset. Wyak enjoyed her suffering.

 

“Useless, pathetic, good for nothing woman,” said Wyak. “You are a disgrace to your family and your village.”

 

“Sonja, don’t listen to this asswipe!” said Deadpool. “He’s just some loser who never got laid, or ever would.”

 

“I loathe women,” said Wyak. “And Sonja is no exception.”

 

“I take it you prefer the rooster to the cat,” said Deadpool. “Anyway, you’re a cunt, I don’t like you and I wanna kill you, so let’s dance, bitch!”

 

But Mysterio launched an electric net from his suit that flew across the room and hit Deadpool. It pained him to the floor as it electrocuted him.

 

“ARGH! FUCK! THIS FUCKIN’ HURTS! OWWWWWW!”

 

Spider-man and Sonja looked at Mysterio and Wyak.

 

“I take it you want him released,” said Mysterio.

 

“Don’t worry about me, guys! I’m immortal! ARGH! FUCK!” cried Deadpool.

 

Since Deadpool was being electrocuted and Sonja was too upset to fight, Spider-man knew what he had to do.

 

“I yield, just let Deadpool go.”

 

“That’s funny coming from someone who doesn’t even like him,” said Mysterio.

 

And with that, Mysterio pressed a button on his arm and that stopped the electrocuting.

 

“Oh thank fuck!” said Deadpool, who then let out a diarrhea sounding fart. “And I’ve shat and pissed myself…………..again.”

 

“Peter you come with us,” said Wyak. “Sonja and Deadpool, meet us at Madison Square Garden tomorrow night.”

 

“You want to fight at a concert with thousands of people?” asked Deadpool as he pulled the net off and got up.

 

“If you want to save peoples’ lives, meet us there,” said Wyak as he and Mysterio left with Spider-man.

 

Sonja got up and walked over to Deadpool.

 

“I’m sorry Wade,” she said with tears flowing out.

 

“It’s not your fault,” said Deadpool. “It’s that douchebag motherfucker’s fault.”

 

 

 

  
  


So Sonja and Deadpool made it back to Wade’s apartment.

 

Wade walked around deciding what to do.

 

“Okay gotta fight these fuckers at Madison tomorrow, need reinforcements……...Sonja?”

 

Sonja was still depressed from what happened.

 

“I know, don’t worry we’ll fight these guys and beat them,” said Wade.

 

But Sonja was just too sad.

 

“Sonja that guy, what he did was wrong and I will help you disembowel him, okay?” said Deadpool.

 

“Maybe he’s right,” said Sonja.

 

“What?” asked Wade.

 

“Maybe I _am_ useless and pathetic,” she sighed. “I couldn’t save my family, I couldn’t save the village and I couldn’t save Peter.”

 

More tears ran down her cheek as she wept.

 

Wade gave her a box of tissues and she wept her eyes with them.

 

“Sonja, you’re not useless or pathetic,” he said. “You’re strong and very smart. There was nothing you could’ve done. I would’ve been the same. A few years ago, when I was diagnosed with cancer, I searched everywhere for a cure, but no avail. That was until I met a scientist guy who claimed to not only cure my cancer, but also give me superpowers. The good news was it worked, the bad news was that this guy made a real cock out of me and now I look like this. I can’t die. Not a day goes by that I regret making that choice. So you’re not the useless or pathetic one, it’s me. You didn’t choose your tragedy to happen to you, I chose mine.”

 

Sonja placed her hand on Wade’s face and looked at him in the eyes.

 

“You’ve been a good friend, Wade,” she said sniffing.

 

“Very rarely I hear that,” said Wade. “People tell me to fuck off and shut me out. But you, you’re one of the very few people who actually likes me.”

 

“Good friends are hard to come by,” said Sonja.

 

“Speaking of which, I’m gonna call my buddy, Cable,” said Wade. “He’s a time traveller, he’ll help.”

 

Wade got out his Smartphone and called Cable.

 

“Hello, Cable my man………. Oh, it’s just a recorded message, fuck!”

 

He put the Smartphone on the table.

 

“Guess I’ll have to ask the twats at the mansion,” groaned Wade. “I hate to ask Bad Hair Day for help.”

 

“I know a woman who could help us,” said Sonja.

 

“Who?” asked Wade.

 

 

  
  


Earlier in the story, Peter and Ursula took Sonja clothes shopping. When they got into the elevator, they came across a woman called Carol…….

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: Danvers?

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Yep.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: She looks like that chick who won an Oscar. You know, the one named after a cheese.

 

“Hello, Peter,” said Carol.

 

“Hello, Carol,” said Peter.

 

“How are you doing?” asked Carol.

 

“Just shopping with Ursula and Sonja,” answered Peter.

 

“You stud, Pete,” said Carol. “Sonja, I just love your hair.”

 

“Thank you,” said Sonja.

 

Carol then looked at Sonja’s top that revealed her perfectly built in abs.

 

“Oh my God, you figure is amazing,” said Carol. “Where do you work out at?”

 

“I’d tell, but then I’d have to kill you,” said Sonja.

 

Carol laughed. The elevator made it to Carol’s stop.

 

“Well, this is my stop. Pete, if you need any help, here’s my number.”

 

She gave Peter her card.

 

“Thank you. See ya.”

 

“Bye Pete, bye ladies,” said Carol as she left the elevator.

 

Later, Peter told Sonja that Carol was Captain Marvel and what her powers were.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: This is like a Quentin Tarantino movie. A flashback, plenty of swearing, gratuitous violence and awesome dialogue. Not to mention the Uma Thurman reference I made earlier. Those two should work together again, since poor Uma’s career is downhill. Just like the guy who did Gangnam Style.

 

 

 

 

 

Back at Wade’s apartment:

 

“Good thing I kept Carol’s card in my pocket,” said Sonja as she pulled out the card.

 

“I’ll call her later, right now, I know a guy who can help us,” said Wade picking up his Smartphone up again.

 

 

  
  
  


Frank Castle was at home watching football on TV. His Smartphone rang and he looked at it. It had Deadpool’s picture on it.

 

“Ah shit,” said Frank as he answered it.

 

“Hello, Wade,” sighed Frank.

 

“Need a favour to ask you,” began Wade.

 

“If you need to borrow my car, tough shit,” said Frank.

 

“Fuck,” muttered Wade.

 

So Wade told Frank the situation and Frank was in on the mission.

 

It was settled; Wade, Sonja, Carol and Frank would go into Madison Square Garden, rescue Peter and stop Mysterio and Wyak.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: Same old shit, really.

 

Just then, there was a knock on the door.

 

Wade answered it and it was Aunt May holding onto Sonja’s bra, skirt and sword.

 

“Hello children,” May said to Sonja.

 

“How did you find the………?” began Wade.

 

“I discovered these whilst in Peter’s room, coming to, from getting stoned,” said May. “Never trying that again. Sonja, what is really going on and where’s Peter?”

 

 

 

 

 

So Wade and Sonja told May the whole story. May couldn’t believe that Sonja was from the past.

 

“Count me in,” she said.

 

“What?” asked Wade

 

“I’m going with the four of you to rescue my nephew,” answered May.

 

Wade looked at her

 

“Miss Parker, it’ll be very……..”

 

“Don’t tell me it’ll be too dangerous!” snapped May. “Peter is my nephew, and I’m not going to sit at the apartment worrying. I am going with you!”

 

“Okay,” said Wade. “Suit yourself.”

 

May noticed that Nigel was tied up onto the floor.

 

“Long story,” said Wade.

  


DEADPOOL’S NOTE: Good thing I gave May my address. She’s going to help me start my foundation to help people with cancer. See, I _do_ have a purpose in life beside killing and fucking.

  
  


 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Chapter Three

Later, Wade called Carol and after a while, she and Frank arrived at Wade’s apartment.

 

Frank had a sack full of firearms on the table.

 

“God Bless America,” said May, who picked up a pistol and started pointing it all over the room.

 

“You ever used one of these before?” asked Frank.

 

May picked up a silencer, attached it to the pistol, put in the magazine and shot a couple beside Nigel the rapist.

 

“Lady, are you fuckin’ crazy?” cried the rapist.

 

“I take it as a yes,” said Frank.

 

“When my husband was killed, I decided to take precautions,” began May. “I would go down the shooting range with my friends. Since I don’t have a gun, my friends would often lend me theirs. When I find the bastard who killed my husband, he’s gonna have one sore ballsack.”

 

“So you’re not gonna kill him, just make him suffer?” asked Wade.

 

“Yeah, a fate worse than death,” answered May.

 

“Well, I’ve just got my powers, so no guns for me,” said Carol.

 

“All I need is this,” said Sonja raising her sword. “And Wyak is mine.”

 

“Dibs on the Mysterio fucker,” said Wade.

 

A while later, the gang were all ready to go. Frank put the sack of guns in the boot of the car, and with him at the wheel…….

 

“Shotgun!” cried Wade. “Also I want the front seat.”

 

Much to Frank’s dismay.

 

The others got into the backseat as Frank drove the car to Madison Square Garden.

 

Nigel was still tied to the floor.

 

“Help! Help! I really need a shit!”

  
  


At Madison, the crowd were cheering at the front of the stage. The new band End of Play were going to perform. It’s lead singer was Mick Obvious.

 

From an office not too far away, Peter’s wrists and ankles were tied to a wall. He still had his suit on, but his mask was off. Mysterio stood in front of him holding the small chest that was rattling like crazy.

 

“Ah, Peter Parker,” said Mysterio. “How I waited years for this.”

 

He pulled out a key and unlocked the chest. The lid flew open and Peter saw what was inside.

 

“Oh no!”

 

“Hello, Spider-Man,” said the creature inside the chest. It was a red and black gooey looking creature. It also had…….

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: It’s Carnage.

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Thanks for ruining the moment.

 

The creature oozed out of the chest and slithered over to Peter. It was only a foot tall.

 

“Since yours and Venom’s D.N.A were used to create me, I decided that we should become one.”

 

The creature slithered up Peter’s leg and began to slither up to his chest. Then it made it’s way up to Peter’s mouth. Peter closed his lips tight, desperately trying not to let the creature in. But then, it moved up to his nose and went inside his nostrils. It then began to make it’s way inside Peter’s body.

  
  
  


The car arrived at the carpark at Madison Square Garden. Wade, Frank (who took the sack with him), Sonja, May and Carol made their way toward the back door. There was a guard standing there smoking a cigarette.

 

“Now all I have to do is knock out this guard and we’ll be able to sneak backstage,” said Wade.

 

But as they made it to the back door, the guard just looked at them.

 

“Oh, hey, Carol.”

 

“Hey, Gary,” greeted Carol.

 

“The terrorists are in one of the offices somewhere,” said Gary opening the door for them.

 

“What the fuck?” cried Wade. “No, no, I was going to knock him out in a cool heroic way and he just……. Grr!”

 

“Shut up, Wade,” said Frank as he smacked Wade in the back of the head.

 

The five of them made their way through the door and Gary close it and continued to smoke.

 

The door opened again and Wade sneak out ready to karate chop Gary from behind.

 

“WADE!” shouted Frank.

 

“ALRIGHT! FUCK!” shouted back Wade, who then made his way through the door again.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The five made their way into another office room where they changed into their outfits. Carol had her blue and red suit.

 

“Shame you didn’t have your black swimsuit,” said Deadpool. “Gives me the horn.”

 

“You’re so vulgar, that it is amazing,” said Captain Marvel, putting her gloves on.

 

May was dressed in a black vest and commando trousers. She also had a belt with holsters that she put pistols in and she also wore a machine gun on her via strap.

 

Everyone looked at her in surprise.

 

“Milla Jovovich, eat you heart out,” said May.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Back at the concert, End of Play were ready to perform and the crowd were going wild.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: Just like a One Direction concert. My favourite is that Irish guy, he’s so cute. And speaking of cute Irish people, how about Saoirse Ronan? So adorable. And that guy from Fifty Shades, besides Dakota, I beated off to him as well. You don’t get to see his Irish pork, though. Oh wait…….. You only see the shaft of it, but was that really his, or……….

 

So, Mysterio was secretly backstage with his new creation. It growled as Mysterio watched the crowd who had no idea what was going to happen.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: And speaking of cocks, have you ever seen “Under The Skin”? That movie actually showed erect penises in it. Three of them. Well, the men were acting alongside Scarlett Johansson, so I don’t blame them. Decades ago, showing erect penises in movies would get banned in the US and UK. Except in France, which showed the odd penis or tit in a commercial about bank insurance.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


So the five heroes made their way backstage. Frank told security that there were terrorists in the buildings and showed them his permit.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: I take it Gary gave it to him. I bet they were okay with Sonja carrying a sword and dressed in that bra and skirt.

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Well, they were familiar with Captain Marvel, so they let it pass.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: Mr Author pulls stuff out of his ass yet again!

  


The concert began and End of Play began to rock. The crowd went absolutely mental. All the women screamed.

 

“They’re screaming for joy now, but soon they’ll be screaming in terror,” said Mysterio.

 

After about 5 minutes of rocking, there was a massive roar.

 

“Dude, are the speakers fucked again?” asked Mick.

 

Then there was a loud thud.

 

The whole auditorium went quiet.

 

“Is this part of the show?” asked an audience member.

 

Just then the band looked behind them in terror,

 

“Oh shit!”

 

They ran into the audience as everyone saw the monstrosity on stage.

 

It was Carnage mixed with Spider-Man into a hybrid. It was 50 foot tall and had razor sharp teeth. It’s whole body was sticky and gooey.

 

“Dude, that is some monster you guys created,” complimented an audience member to End of Play.

 

The audience began to applaud and cheer.

 

They all thought it was part of the show.

 

But then the Carnage/Spidey monster slinged a long rope of sludge and web. It impaled about 20 audience members. Everyone went quiet again as the rope sliced the people and their blood, organs and gore went everywhere.

 

Everybody screamed and made their way out of the auditorium. The Carnage/Spidey monster suddenly spat out about 10 blobs of itself onto the floor. The blobs then morphed into smaller versions of the Carnage/Spidey hybrid. They began to ran after the audience trying to escape.

 

Just then, gunfire could be heard. And one of the monsters was shot into Swiss cheese. It’s head then exploded. Frank came walking out with his machine gun with smoke coming out from the barrell.

 

The rest of the sludge minions made their way toward Frank, but suddenly a bright beam came out of nowhere and hit another of the creatures. It exploded.

 

Marvel stood right beside Frank.

 

The monsters continued to run toward Frank and Marvel, suddenly Deadpool jumped out and sliced them up. But the sludge kept sticking onto his swords.

 

Then more gunfire followed, it was May gunning down the right of the monsters with her machine gun.

 

They were all defeated, but the Carnage/Spidey hybrid spat out 20 more blobs and more monsters were born.

 

“That dude must’ve drank a LOT of milk,” said Ms Marvel.

  


From the commentary booth, Wyak watched with delight. Sonja then entered the room with her sword at the ready.

 

“Ah, my sweet Sonja,” said Wyak, pulling out his sword.

 

“I’ve got the gem,” said Sonja.

 

“And I’ll show chop you to pieces and eat your remains,” said Wyak.

 

“No you won’t,” said Sonja. “Cos I’m fuck you up like the little bitch you are!”

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: I taught her that as well.

 

So the two of them lunged at each other and began to sword fight. Both of them were expert sword fighters and manage to give each other little cuts on their arms and legs. Wyak got Sonja onto the desk and began to punch her in the face. Sonja pulled out a dagger and stuck it into the palm of his hand.

 

He screamed in pain as he got off. Sonja was about to cut his head off, but he kicked her in the face.

  
  


Back at the concert, Frank and Marvel tried to shoot and blast at the hybrid, but nothing was killing it.

 

The fact that the hybrid was spitting out more minions was making things worse.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: It's like at the end of my video game where you’re fighting Mr Sinister and he keeps on cloning himself over and over and over and over, and you’re like “JESUS CHRIST, JUST DIE! YOU CUNT!”

 

Frank got out his bazooka and aimed for the hybrid. He fired a rocket and it hit the hybrid. The rocket exploded and the hybrid was blown in half.

 

The heroes were happy!

 

They’d won!

 

That was until the hybrid grew back the parts of its body that got blown off. It was unstoppable.

  


Sonja and Wyak continued to fight in the booth.

 

Mysterio was watching from the door.

 

Sonja got Wyak on the floor and pinned his shoulders down with her knees. Then she bashed him in the face with the handle of her sword.

 

Mysterio then pulled out a small ball and threw it onto the floor. As it hit the floor, gas came out and surrounded the room.

 

Sonja found herself in a strange dungeon like place.

 

She looked around and noticed that Wyak was gone.

 

“Sonja.”

 

She turned around and saw who it was.

 

She couldn’t believe it.

 

It was her family, alive and well.

 

“Sonja,” said her father with joy.

 

“Father,” said Sonja as the two of them hugged and were in tears.

 

“I missed you,” said her father.

 

“Sonja,” said her mother and sister as they hugged her two.

 

“Sonja, don’t kill Wyak,” said her mother.

 

“What?” asked Sonja as they stopped hugging.

 

“He’s a good man,” said her sister, you need him.

 

“He’s only using the time traveling box to prevent the slaughter of our village,” said the mother.

 

“But the guards chased him,” began Sonja.

 

“He’s only doing what he thinks is best,” said the father. “You need him, Sonja.”

 

Sonja looked at him.

 

“With Wyak’s help, we can all be reunited,” said the mother. “Wouldn’t you like that?”

 

Sonja thought for a few moments.

 

“Yes, I really want that, very much.”

 

Tears ran out of her eyes.

 

Her family looked at her with joy.

 

“Oh Sonja…….”

 

SLICE!

 

With one full swing, Sonja slide off the heads of all three of them. She then looked at the heads.

 

“In the afterlife, but you’re not them!”

 

“YOU REALLY ARE A STUBBORN BITCH, SONJA!”

 

Wyak came out of nowhere and he and Sonja fought even more violently than before.

 

Wyak punched her in the stomach and grabbed her. He looked all over her body trying to find the gem.

 

“Where is it? WHERE IS IT?”

 

Sonja laughed.

 

“I said I have the gem, but I kept it somewhere safe.”

 

“WHERE?” demanded Wyak.

  


Back at the concert, Deadpool rubbed his ass.

 

“Oh, I hope this fight ends soon, cos my ass is killing me with this gem inside it.”

  


Back at the booth, Sonja headbutted Wyak in the chin and then headbutted him in the nose. Blood was everywhere.

 

As Wyak put both hands on his broken nose, he dropped his sword on the floor. Sonja picked it up and……..

 

SLICE! SLICE!

 

Wyak's severed arms flew into the air and fountains of blood sprayed out of his stumps as it soaked the whole floor.

 

In a panic, Mysterio tried to pull out another ball to release another hallucinogenic gas, but it was too late. Sonja then raised her own sword and threw it toward Mysterio.

 

The sword got impaled into his helmet and he screamed. Sonja walked over to him and using the handle of Wyak’s sword, she used it to smash open the helmet to reveal Quentin Beck.

 

He was lucky that the sword didn’t touch him when it got stuck into his helmet.

 

“Spare me and I’ll leave!” begged Quentin.

 

“How can we stop the monster?” asked Sonja.

 

“I don’t know,” answered Quentin.

 

Sonja just looked at him.

 

Then she raised her sword high into the air.

 

“No! No! Please!” begged Quentin.

 

But she brought her sword down and Quentin closed his eyes in fright.

 

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

 

SLICE!

 

The body of Wyak was sliced in half down from the top of his head. His body split open and blood and organs poured out.

 

Quentin couldn’t bear the sight and had to leave.

 

"I live to fight another day! Another time, Sonja! No pun intended."

 

From the remains of Wyak, Sonja lifted the time travel box. One mission was complete and now to complete another.

 

 

  
  


With no idea of how to kill the hybrid, the gang were hopeless. No bullet, rocket or magic beam could stop this monstrosity.

 

But then May knew that she had to do something. Peter was in there. She had to get to him.

 

“PETER!” she cried.

 

The hybrid looked at her.

 

May then threw down her machine gun.

 

“I know you’re in there!”

 

The hybrid looked at her.

 

“No……….. Peter is no-more,” said the hybrid. “He is now Carnage. He helped create me and now we’ll be together forever.”

 

“No, he is Spider-Man,” said May. “He was given his powers to help people, not kill them.”

 

“He will save people no more!” sneered the hybrid. “Death and destruction to all who stands in our way.”

 

The hybrid reached out its hand and grabbed May and lifted her up. The others gasped.

 

The hybrid brought May to it’s eyes.

 

“May, what good to you have to offer?” asked the hybrid.

 

“I’m Peter’s aunt,” said May. “I love him. Don’t you love me?”

 

“I AM NOT PETER!” cried the hybrid.

 

“Yes, you are,” said May with tears rolling down her face.

 

“I AM NOT………. Am I?” asked the hybrid.

 

Just then it shook its head.

 

“What are you doing?” it asked itself impatiently.

 

“When your mother and father died, I promise to take care of you,” began May who was crying even more. “And I never broke my promise, because you’re my nephew!”

 

The hybrid looked at her.

 

For a whole minute.

 

The hybrid went back to it’s Carnage mode.

 

“Peter Parker……..!”

 

But then it went back to Spidey mode.

 

“Aunt May………….”

 

May looked at him, hopefully.

 

The hand brought May closer to the hybrid’s mouth.

 

“PETER! NO!” cried Marvel, Deadpool and Frank.

  
  


But the hand brought May over to the chest as the hybrid hugged her.

 

May began to cry.

 

“Peter………………………… come back……….”

 

The hybrid closed its eyes and huge drops of tears ran down its face.

 

“With great power, comes great responsibility,” it said. “Uncle Ben’s words.”

 

With every tear drop, the hybrid began to melt.

 

The 50 foot monster was now a big puddle of red and black sludge. So did the monster’s minions. May stood on top of the big puddle looking for Peter.

 

“Peter? Peter?”

 

“Aunt May……………”

 

May smiled as her nephew rose from the sludge. He was back in his Spidey suit.

 

“Peter!” she cried as she ran over and hugged him.

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: This is my favourite scene in the whole story. I think I have something in my eye.

 

Sonja had just watched the whole thing from the booth. She too was in tears.

 

Marvel, Frank and Deadpool were in tears too.

 

Although Deadpool had the mask on, tears were able to come out from the eyes.

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: How do you do that?

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: I don’t know. Also, I don’t know how can I move my eyebrows in the mask, and Spidey can’t.

 

The big puddle of sludge all began to shrink back into the foot tall Carnage. It began to slither away.

 

“You may have one this round, Parker,” said Carnage. “But I will return. Mark my words.”

 

Suddenly a huge flash appeared.

 

It was……

 

“CABLE!” cried Deadpool.

 

Yep, it was the time traveling Cable himself.

 

“Dude, where the fuck have you been?” asked Deadpool. “Some people actually got killed, thanks to you.”

 

“Wade, I have a very busy schedule,” answered Cable. “You won’t believe the number of missions I had to do today.”

 

Cable had a 2 foot tall silver chest with him. He opened it, picked up Carnage and put him inside.

 

“You’re going to the future, you slimy bastard,” said Cable.

 

“But before you go,” began Deadpool. “I’d like to give our slimey friend a ‘going away’ present.”

 

Deadpool took the chest with Carnage in it, placed it on the floor, opened the lid, pulled down his pants, squatted down and…………

 

“HUNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

 

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” cried Carnage as he got covered in liquid and chunky brown.

 

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………….maximum effort,” sighed Deadpool. “Oh, almost forget the time gem.”

 

He lifted out the shitty time gem and gave the box back to Cable. Everyone looked at Deadpool n disgust.

 

“Well, I _did_ say that you were so vulgar that it’s amazing,” said Marvel.

 

Cable gagged as he closed the chest and Carnage screamed.

 

“NO! NO! NO! LET ME OUT! DEAR GOD! THE SMELL!”

 

Another flash appeared and Cable was gone.

 

Sonja appeared and went over to the gang who were gagging at the smell.

 

“What smells like shit?” asked Sonja, who was not gagging.

 

“This doesn’t bother you?” asked Ms Marvel.

 

“Well, where I’m from, you go through poor villages and you’re used to that smell all the time,” answered Sonja.

 

She pulled out the time box and took the gem off Deadpool.

 

“So, I guess this is Goodbye,” said Deadpool feeling sad.

 

Sonja looked at everyone else and smiled.

 

“Well, since we completed our task, I’d like to stay for another week, just to enjoy myself.”

 

Everyone cheered, especially Deadpool.

 

“The drinks are on Sonja!”

 

“No booze for me,” said Marvel.

 

 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Chapter Four

So, in the pub, there was a huge celebration. Wade, Peter, May, Carol, Frank and Sonja all were ready to get hammered.

 

Sonja was dressed her shirt, jacket and jeans again.

 

People asked where Spider-Man, Deadpool and Marvel were, Carol just said “They’re with us in spirit.”

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: Didn’t people want to know why Wade, Carol and Peter Pansy were celebrating and not their alter egos? Or maybe, they’re just being typical New Yorkers and just don’t care.

 

As they drank away, Carol was on soft drinks only, they chatted about various things.

 

“Good thing Gary told you that Wyak was in the commentary booth, Sonja,” said Frank.

 

“Wade told me that you became a crime fighter after losing your family,” said Sonja.

 

“Yeah, we have a lot in common,” said Frank. “And May, you did well with that gun.”

 

May gave him a flirtatious look and said “Here’s my number, handsome.”

 

“Uh-oh, your aunt is gonna do it with the Penetrator, I mean, The Punisher,” Wade said to Peter.

 

“You know, I still have some of Carnage’s D.N.A inside me,” said Peter. “You’ll never know when I’ll go a little psycho.”

 

“Good luck trying to kill me, Spider-Pants,” said Wade.

 

“Good luck trying to do Sonja,” said Peter.

 

Wade looked at him.

 

“Thanks for pouring salt on the wound, fucker.”

 

May looked at Carol.

 

“Wade, you were right. She does look like that actress.”

 

Sonja looked at Wade.

 

“Wade, I like to thank you for giving me that speech in your room earlier.”

 

And then, she kissed him. Wade was stunned.

 

“My plebber was all…….. My plebber is fine…….. The pleb was all fline……..”

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: The Pleasure was all mine! Well, at least I got to kiss her. That’s close enough. If she did see me naked, she would’ve run for the hills.

  
  
  


Throughout the week, Wade, Peter and May took Sonja all around New York; the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, Times Square, Broadway (they went to see ‘Macbeth’ and Sonja tried not to laugh at the fake sword fighting, whereas Wade fell asleep. I should mention that Mary Jane played Lady Macbeth, with a terrible English accent that’ll put Keanu Reeves to shame)........

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: Hey, Mr Author, I do the roasting around here. 

 

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Did you notice that Mary Jane has the same hair as Sonja?

 

DEADPOOL'S NOTE: Yeah, imagine if Mary Jane _became_ Sonja. Which sounds like a good idea at first, but the execution would be weak.

 

…...and finally they hit the nightclubs.

 

“It’s not too different from the dances we have. Only you have your music from a machine, whereas we have a band,” said Sonja.

  
  
  


With the week finally ending, it was time for Sonja to go. She, Wade, Peter and May stood on the roof of Peter’s apartment. Sonja had the box and gem at the ready.

 

“Goodbye, Sonja,” said Peter and May.

 

“Goodbye, Sonja, you sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy warrior, you,” said Wade with a tear.

 

“Goodbye, everyone,” said Sonja.

 

“Say hello to our ancestors for us,” said Peter.

 

“If I can find them,” said Sonja.

 

And what that she joined the gem into the box and a porthole appeared. Sonja jumped into the porthole and with a bright blue flash…………

 

…………..she was gone back in her time.

 

Wade stood there with tears rolling down his cheeks.

 

“Well, Wade, there’s always that blue naked chick,” said Peter.

 

“Yeah,” said Wade wiping away the tears.

 

“And your foundation,” said May.

 

Peter looked at him.

 

“Foundation?”

 

“The Wade Wilson Foundation for cancer victims,” answered Wade. “I am serious about this.”

 

“Trust you to name the foundation after yourself,” said Peter.

 

“Well, I can’t call it the ‘Deadpool Foundation’,” replied Wade. “That doesn’t sound right.”

  
  
  
  


When Sonja arrived back in Barbaric Times, the villagers were dying to know of her story.

 

Sonja told them everything. The food with vitamins in them, Spider-Man, Deadpool, The Punisher, Ms Marvel, Carnage and Mysterio. And all the different technologies the year 2016 had to offer.

 

“I also brought something back with me,” she said as she pulled out Peter’s packet of condoms.

 

“They prevent infection whilst having intercourse.”

 

The people were amazed.

  
  
  
  


A couple of days later, Sonja was passing through another town and she came across what seemed to be a familiar face.

 

It was an Irish shopkeeper called Matthew Parker, who looked uncannily like Peter. As Sonja bought items, she kept looking at the familiar Matthew.

 

“Are you alright?” he asked.

 

“You remind me of someone,” she said.

 

“Who?” asked Matthew.

 

“Well, in the future, you’ll know what I’m talking about,” said Sonja as she paid for her items and left the shop.

  
  
  


The next day, she passed a blacksmith’s and yep, the blacksmith looked very familiar.

 

He was an Irishman called Rory Wilson. He looked a lot like Wade and had his shirt off showing his ripping abs.

 

“Excuse me, love,” he asked. “Are you the girl that went to the future.”

 

“Yes,” she said.

 

“Grand,” he said. “Are you doing anything tonight?”

 

“No,” said Sonja.

 

“Perhaps you can tell me your adventure with a bottle of wine?” said Rory.

 

“Of course,” said Sonja.

 

So that night, Sonja and Rory had many cups of wine and had tremendous fun, if you know what I mean.

 

THE END

 

DEADPOOL’S NOTE: So, my ancestor banged Sonja. Wait a minute, she wouldn’t be my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother, would she?! Oh God, what the fuck is wrong with you, Mr Author? I’m gonna go barf!

 

PETER PARKER’S NOTE: Actually, Rory Wilson never impregnated Sonja. He did that some prostitute instead. Makes sense. Have a good one, folks!

  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
